TOUR OF HEAVEN

A man dies and goes to heaven. Expecting a long line, he is surprised to see nobody there at all, except for an angel sitting in a chair with his feet up on a table. "Hello there," said the angel, "I'm Saint Peter, welcome to heaven!" "Thank you, Saint Peter," said the man, "where is everyone?" "Well, you're in luck. Today is just a very slow day, and to make the time pass, I like to give tours to the new arrivals. Would you enjoy a complete guided tour of heaven?" "Gosh, I'd love a tour of heaven...lead on, Saint Peter, lead on." Well, Saint Peter takes him everywhere. They go to hear the Heavenly Choir, three hundred angels singing on high. They go to the Great Hall of Saints and the Great Temple of Martyrs and the man is just overwhelmed. Finally, Saint Peter take him to the Throne Room of God himself. The man's heart skips a beat, and the light at the far end of the room just blinds him to the point that he can't stand it any longer. He is escorted out. Then, Saint Peter walks him into a huge room filled with thousands and thousands of clocks, large and small, all shapes, all kinds. The man is puzzled. He asks, "What is this room full of clocks all about?" In a lecturing tone, Saint Peter describes, "This is the Room of Souls. Each clock in the room represents a single human soul. The time on each clock represents how long each is to live. Each and every time a person lies, however, the hands of the clock move a bit faster." The man glances up and notices a huge clock, face downward, whizzing around at a great rate of speed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he asks, "What is that clock?" "Oh that one. That's Nigeria Politicians' clock. We use it as a fan."

Old People's Folly

In a small village in Himachal (A state in northern hilly region in India.) lived an old man and his wife. Both were over seventy and both loved one another. Only five other families lived in this tiny village.

One cold winter evening the old man and his wife were sitting inside their hut. Outside it was snowing. Suddenly the old man looked up and said, “I wish we could have some pakodas (Salty snacks prepared by frying vegetable mixed in gram flour batter). I very much feel like eating pakodas today.”

“I’ll see if there’s any besan (Gram flour) in the house,” his wife replied. She got up and opened the tin of besan. “Oh, there’s only a little bit here,” she said. “It’s too cold to go out and buy more. So I shall make pakodas from this little bit of besan.”

The old woman lighted the fire and made pakodas. She made five. She gave her husband three pakodas and herself took two.

But the old man would not take the palcodas. How can I eat three when you are getting only two ?” he said. “Take one pakoda from me.”

“Two pakodas are enough for me,” his wife replied. “It is you who asked for them. You take three now. Tomorrow I shall get more besan from the shop and make pakodas. I can then take one more than you.”

“We’ll see about that later,” the old man said. “But today you must eat three pakodas.”

They kept arguing like this all evening. Night fell, but they had still not eaten the pakodas. At last they agreed on a plan. “It is quite late,” they said. “So let us go to sleep now. Tomorrow morning, the one who gets up first will have to eat three pakodas.”

So they both went to sleep. Morning came. But still they kept lying in bed, eyes closed. Each wanted the other to get up first, for each wanted the other one to have three pakodas. It grew quite late and the sun rose high in the sky. But still they would not get up. The neighbours saw that their door was still closed. They got worried.

“What is the matter with the old couple ?” they said. “They still have not got up. Let us go and find out if they are all right.”

The neighbours went and knocked at the door. They called out to the old couple, but there was no reply from inside. Then the neighbours hammered at the door with their fists. But still the door remained closed. Now they got really worried. “We shall have to break the door,” they said. “The old people may be ill.”

So they brought an axe and broke open the door. They then went in and saw the old man and his wife lying on their cots with eyes closed. “Oh no,” they said. “They are both dead! Let us take them to the burning place.”

When the old man heard this he shot up in alarm. He realised that they would both be burnt alive. “Oh very well,” he cried. “I shall eat three andyou can eat the other two.” On hearing this the old woman also shot up and cried, “That’s what I’ve been telling you all this time. If you had listened to me, we could have eaten them last night. We wouldn’t have gone hungry all night then. But we can eat them now.”

When the neighbours heard this they were alarmed. They ran out of the door shouting. “Run! Run for your life! The ghosts of the old man and his wife are after us! They are going to eat us all up! The old man’s ghost will eat up three families, and his wife’s ghost will eat up the other two families in the village !”

The old man and his wife were surprised. They ran after the neighbours to tell them that they were not ghosts. At this the neighbours were even more frightened. They ran faster still.

Much later the old man and his wife told the neighbours about the pakodas. When they heard this, they burst out laughing. That day the old woman brought more besan from the shop and made lots of pakodas. Then she invited everyone in the village for a feast of pakodas. You see, she was sorry that she and her old man had given everyone such a fright

Wrong Drugstore (Joke)

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

Wrong Email Address

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Genie Got His Match

Work, Work, Work


A man was going through a forest. He was tired and sat under a tree to rest. Near the tree were some bushes. In the bushes he heard a whistle. The man got up and went to look. He saw a bottle lying under a bush. The whistle was coming from inside the bottle. The man opened the bottle to look inside. Immediately a lot of black smoke came out from the bottle. The smoke rose high in the sky. Then the smoke turned into a ghost. It was a big ghost, as tall as a tree. The ghost was red in colour. He had red eyes, and large golden earrings in his ears. He roared, “Give me some work or I shall eat you up.” The man was very frightened. “W-what sort of work do you want ?” he asked the ghost. “Any kind of work,” the ghost replied. “You have let me out from the bottle, so you have to give me work to do. I must keep working, day and night. The moment you stop giving me work, I shall eat you up.” “Take me to my house,” the man said. The ghost picked up the man. In half a second he reached the man’s house. Again he said, “Give me some work to do or I shall eat you up.” “Make me a big palace,” the man said. In a few minutes the palace was ready. The ghost again said loudly, “Give me some work or I shall eat you up.” “Get me plenty of gold and jewels,” the man said. Soon the gold and jewels were there. “Give me some work or I shall eat you up,” the ghost said. “Get me nice clothes to wear.” At once the ghost brought the clothes. “Give me some work or I shall eat you up,” the ghost said. “Get me some food.” In a second the man found the table loaded with delicious food. He tried to eat, but he got no time. The ghost again said, “Give me some work or I shall eat you up.” The man kept on giving work to the ghost. He could not eat at all. When night came the ghost would not let him sleep. “Give me some work or I shall eat you up,” he said. The man got very worried. How could he eat ? How could he sleep? If he did not find more and more work, the ghost would eat him up. Then the man had an idea. He told the ghost, “Make me a tall pillar, as high as the sky. And be quick.” In just a few minutes the ghost was back. “The pillar is ready,” he said. “Now give me some work or I shall eat you up.” “Now listen carefully,” the man said. “Climb up the pillar till you reach the top. Then climb down till you reach the earth. Then climb up to the top and come down again. Keep on doing so till I tell you to stop. And mind you don’t waste anytime.” The ghost was very happy, for he now had plenty to do. He went up the pillar, came down, went up, came down. He went on doing so... The man watched for some time. Then he went inside and ate the food the ghost had brought. After that he went off to sleep. Next morning he got up and went outside. He saw the ghost going up and down the pillar all the time. The man was very happy. Many days passed. The ghost kept on going up and down the pillar. At the end of a month he was still doing it. He now felt a little tired. “Please sir,” he said to the man, “may I stop now ? I have been going up and down the pillar for a month.” “How can you stop ?” the man said. “You cannot stop till I tell you. So keep on going up and down the pillar.” Another three months passed. Now the ghost was really tired. “Sir,” he said, “I can’t do it any more. I must stop now.” “You can stop on one condition,” the man said. You must go away from here, and never come back.” “I promise,” the ghost said. “Very well, you may stop now. And take away that pillar with you.” The ghost picked up the pillar and ran away. The man never saw him again

The Married Couple

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven." Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Caught Speeding

A JOKE
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? 


Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. 

 Woman: Oh, I see. 

Officer: Can I see your license please? 

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 

Officer: Don't have one? 

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. 

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 

Woman: I can't do that. 

Officer: Why not? 

Woman: I stole this car. 

Officer: Stole it? 

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. 

Officer: You what? 

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. 

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. 

Woman: Is there a problem sir? 

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. 

Woman: Murdered the owner? 

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. 

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. 

 Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? 

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. 

The first officer is stunned. 

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. 

The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. 

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. 

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too

Better Write It Down

A Joke: An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!" "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget." "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!" "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife. "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?

Advising a Fool

On a mango tree in a jungle, there lived many birds. They were happy in their small nests. Before the onset of the rainy season, all the animal of the jungle repaired their homes. The birds also made their homes more secure. Many birds brought twigs and leaves and others wove their nests. “We should also store some food for our children,” chirped one of the birds. And they collected food, until they had enough to see them through the rainy season. They kept themselves busy preparing for the tough times. Soon the rains came. It was followed by thunder and lighting. All the animals and birds stayed in their homes. It continued raining for many days.
One day, a monkey wet in the rain came into the forest. He sat on a branch, shivering with cold, water dripping from its body. The poor monkey tried his best to get shelter, but in vain. The leaves were not enough to save him from the rains. “Brrr! It is so cold!” said the monkey. The birds were watching all this. They felt sorry for the monkey but there was little they could do for him. One of them said, “Brother! Our small nests are not enough to give you shelter.” Another bird said, “All of us prepared for the rainy season. If you had, you would not be in this piteous situation.” “How dare you tell me what to do?” said the monkey, growling at the bird. The monkey angrily pounced on the bird’s nest, tore it and threw it on the ground. The bird and her chicks were helpless.

It's dangerous advising a fool; because their foolhardy can get you into trouble.

Why Children Cry For Nothing

NEAR Anansi’s miserable little hut there was a fine palace where lived a very rich man called Nothing. Nothing and Anansi proposed, one day, to go to the neighbouring town to get some wives. Accordingly, they set off together.

Nothing, being a rich man, wore a very fine velvet cloth, while Anansi had a ragged cotton one. While they were on their way Anansi persuaded Nothing to change clothes for a little while, promising to give back the fine velvet before they reached the town. He delayed doing this, however, first on one pretext, then on another—till they arrived at their destination.

Anansi, being dressed in such a fine garment, found no difficulty in getting as many wives as he wished. Poor Nothing, with his ragged and miserable cloth, was treated with great contempt. At first he could not get even one wife. At last, however, a woman took pity on him and gave him her daughter.
The poor girl was laughed at very heartily by Anansi’s wives for choosing such a beggar as Nothing appeared to be. She wisely took no notice of their scorn.

The party set off for home. When they reached the cross-roads leading to their respective houses the women were astonished. The road leading to Anansi’s
house was only half cleared. The one which led to Nothing’s palace was, of course, wide and well made.
Not only so, but his servants had strewn it with beautiful skins and carpets, in preparation for his return. Servants were there, awaiting him, with fine clothes for
himself and his wife. No one was waiting for Anansi.

Nothing’s wife was queen over the whole district and had everything her heart could desire. Anansi’s wives could not even get proper food; they had to live on unripe bananas with peppers. The wife of Nothing heard of her friends’ miserable state and invited them to a great feast in her palace. They came, and were so pleased with all they saw that they agreed to stay there. Accordingly, they refused to come back to Anansi’s hut.

He was very angry, and tried in many ways to kill Nothing, but without success. Finally, however, he persuaded some rat friends to dig a deep tunnel in front of Nothing’s door. When the hole was finished Anansi lined it with knives and broken bottles. He then smeared the steps of the palace with okro to make them very slippery, and withdrew to a little distance.

When he thought Nothing’s household was safely in bed and asleep, he called to Nothing to come out to the courtyard and see something. Nothing’s wife, however, dissuaded him from going. Anansi tried again and again, and each time she bade her husband not to listen. At last Nothing determined to go and see this thing. As he placed his foot on the first step, of course he slipped, and down he fell into the hole.

The noise alarmed the household. Lights were fetched and Nothing was found in the ditch, so much wounded by the knives that he soon died. His wife was terribly grieved at his untimely death. She boiled many yams, mashed them, and took a great dishful of them round the district. To every child she met she gave some, so that the child might help her to cry for her husband.
This is why, if you find a child crying and ask the cause, you will often be told he is “crying for nothing.”

Anansi and Greed

THERE had been a long and severe famine in the land where Anansi lived. He had been quite unable to obtain food for his poor wife and family. One day, gazing desperately out to sea, he saw, rising from the midst of the water, a tiny island with a tall palm-tree upon it. He determined to reach this tree—if any means proved possible—and climb it, in the hope of finding a few nuts to reward him. How to get there was the difficulty.

This, however, solved itself when he reached the beach, for there lay the means to his hand, in the shape of an old broken boat. It certainly did not look very strong, but Anansi decided to try it.

His first six attempts were unsuccessful—a great wave dashed him back on the beach each time he tried to put off. He was persevering, however, and at the seventh trial was successful in getting away. He steered the battered old boat as best he could, and at length reached the palm-tree of his desire. Having tied the boat to the trunk of the tree—which grew almost
straight out of the water—he climbed toward the nuts.
Plucking all he could reach, he dropped them, one by one, down to the boat. To his dismay, every one missed the boat and fell, instead, into the water until only the last one remained. This he aimed even more carefully than the others, but it also fell into the water and disappeared from his hungry eyes. He had not tasted even one and now all were gone.

He could not bear the thought of going home empty-handed, so, in his despair, he threw himself into the water, too. To his complete astonishment, instead of being drowned, he found himself standing on the sea-bottom in front of a pretty little cottage. From the latter came an old man, who asked Anansi what he wanted so badly that he had come to Thunder’s cottage to seek it. Anansi told his tale of woe, and Thunder showed himself most sympathetic.

He went into the cottage and fetched a fine cooking-pot, which he presented to Anansi—telling him that he need never be hungry again. The pot would always supply enough food for himself and his family. Anansi was most grateful, and left Thunder with many thanks.

Being anxious to test the pot at once, Anansi only waited till he was again seated in the old boat to say, “Pot, pot, what you used to do for your master do now for me.” Immediately good food of all sorts appeared. Anansi ate a hearty meal, which he very much enjoyed.

On reaching land again, his first thought was to run home and give all his family a good meal from his wonderful pot. A selfish, greedy fear prevented him.
“What if I should use up all the magic of the pot on them, and have nothing more left for myself! Better keep the pot a secret—then I can enjoy a meal when I want one.” So, his mind full of this thought, he hid the pot.

He reached home, pretending to be utterly worn out with fatigue and hunger. There was not a grain of food to be had anywhere. His wife and poor children were weak with want of it, but selfish Anansi took no notice of that. He congratulated himself at the thought of his magic pot, now safely hidden in his room. There he retired from time to time when he felt hungry, and enjoyed a good meal. His family got thinner and thinner, but he grew plumper and plumper. They began to suspect some secret, and determined to find it out. His eldest son, Kweku Tsin, had the power of changing himself into any shape he chose; so he took the form of a tiny fly, and accompanied his father everywhere.
At last, Anansi, feeling hungry, entered his room and closed the door. Next he took the pot, and had a fine meal. Having replaced the pot in its hiding-place, he went out, on the pretence of looking for food.

As soon as he was safely out of sight, Kweku Tsin fetched out the pot and called all his hungry family to come at once. They had as good a meal as their father had had. When they had finished, Mrs. Anansi—to punish her husband—said she would take the pot down to the village and give everybody a meal.
This she did—but alas! in working to prepare so much food at one time, the pot grew too hot and melted away. What was to be done now? Anansi would be so angry! His wife forbade every one to mention the pot.

Anansi returned, ready for his supper, and, as usual, went into his room, carefully shutting the door.
He went to the hiding-place—it was empty. He looked around in consternation. No pot was to be seen anywhere. Some one must have discovered it. His family must be the culprits; he would find a means to punish
them.

Saying nothing to any one about the matter, he waited till morning. As soon as it was light he started off towards the shore, where the old boat lay. Getting into the boat, it started of its own accord and glided swiftly over the water—straight for the palm-tree. Arrived there, Anansi attached the boat as before and climbed the tree. This time, unlike the last, the nuts almost fell into his hands. When he aimed them at the boat they fell easily into it—not one, as before, dropping into the water. He deliberately took them and threw them over-board, immediately jumping after them. As before, he found himself in front of Thunder’s cottage, with Thunder waiting to hear his tale.
This he told, the old man showing the same sympathy as he had previously done.
This time, however, he presented Anansi with a fine stick and bade him good-bye. Anansi could scarcely wait till he got into the boat so anxious was he to try the magic properties of his new gift. “Stick, stick,” he said, “what you used to do for your master do for me also.” The stick began to beat him so severely that, in a few minutes, he was obliged to jump into the water and swim ashore, leaving boat and stick to drift away where they pleased. Then he returned sorrowful  homeward, bemoaning his many bruises and wishing he had acted more wisely from the beginning.